Demons in My Head, Demons in My Bed
by AgentRez
Summary: Audrey's thoughts during the 12 PM episode, in light of revelations in the 9 PM episode of season 5. Now a multipart fic...rest is happy post s5 JackAudrey fic. 4th ch a little steamy.
1. Chapter 1

This is just something I thought I would try. It's totally different from any of my other stories and I hope it's okay. I am not usually a big fan of stories that rehash episodes and hash out a character's inner thoughts, or at least, I've never had a desire to write such a story before. But I thought it would be interesting to go back and reexamine Audrey's actions during the 12 PM episode in light of recent revelations, as they add a whole new twist to actions we may have previously considered insignificant. It's the first fanfic I've written in prose format, so I'm a little nervous about it, and I would love to know what you think, so if you get a chance to review I would really appreciate it.

Note to overseas viewers: this fic is based on the 12 PM episode, but it looks at that episode in light of revelations in the 9 PM episode, so if you're more than a week behind I'd stay away.

To make it easy to distinguish, all lines that were said out loud on the show are bold, whereas any thoughts inside Audrey's head are italicized.

If you are looking for any of my other stories, they have once again been deleted because the administrators have a problem with screenplay format. You can still read them on my brand new website, which is linked to in my profile. If you want to leave reviews there use the comments form at the bottom. Sorry for any inconvenience :(

* * *

**"I don't understand the problem,"** Jack says impatiently. **"David Palmer was murdered because he was about to expose Walt Cummings' connection to the terrorists."**

I cringe uncomfortably, hoping nobody notices. Then Jack drops the bombshell.

**"When Cummings failed to frame me for Palmer's murder, he tried to kill me."**

I suddenly feel a ton of bricks drop to the bottom of my stomach. I look away and I am convinced that the walls are suddenly closing in on me. I feel hot all over and pray that I'm not sweating. Luckily nobody seems to notice if I am.

**"All that may be true, Jack, but we don't have proof,"** Bill reasons.

Somehow, I find myself speaking up even though my thoughts are a million miles away.

**"We can prove that Cummings used Spencer to get Jack's assassin into CTU,"** I say, as if taking Jack's side in this disagreement will somehow mitigate what I've done.

My mind wanders again as they continue to argue, until I hear Jack say something about secretly meeting with Mike Novick.

**"With Novick's help, we can isolate Cummings,"** Jack reasons.

Lynn starts giving him some BS about why it's a bad idea, and yet again, I find myself speaking without thinking.

**"I think it's worth a try,"** I say.

As soon as the words are out of my mouth I regret them. What the hell was I thinking? When Cummings sees that Jack is still alive, he'll come after him again.

I am too busy worrying about what will happen to Jack that I don't really hear the rest of what they are saying, until I am pretty sure I hear Lynn tell Jack to work out his protocols with me. Then he promises Jack that they would keep looking through Cummings' background to see what else they can find, making my stomach lurch again as I worry that someone will find out about that night last April.

Bill and Lynn leave the room. Now it's just me and Jack, and as he comes over and stands behind me, I feel suffocated with guilt. I desperately want out of the room but we have a job to do, so I stare at my screen and try as hard as I can to focus on the task at hand.

Jack asks if I can bring up a satellite photo of the compound. I do as he asks, trying not to let on anything. But his proximity is suffocating given the circumstances, and knowing Jack he has to know something's going on, so I try to preempt any suspicion.

**"Jack, I'm sorry if I'm being a little distant, I'm just...It's taking me a little while to get used to you being alive,"** I find myself saying. As soon as the words are out of my mouth I realize how stupid and probably hurtful they sound.

His face falls as he says **"I understand"** and backs away a little. I want to apologize, but I know that will probably just make things worse.

He starts to walk away, and I feel the panic level rising. I should be relieved but I am terrified that he's walking into a death trap.

Wait. Maybe I can share my concern without giving anything away. **"Jack?"** I hear myself saying, not entirely sure what I am going to say next but needing some way to stall him, as if delaying him a few seconds will somehow make him safer.

**"When Cummings finds out you're still alive, he's going to come after you again,"** I blurt out, hoping I haven't said too much. Jack just nods and mumbles "yeah" before walking away.

I sit at the table in the conference room, comforted by the solitude. I wrack my brain trying to think back to that night last April, to see if I can think of anything suspicious that could help us now, but rehashing that night is making me nauseous and I can't think straight. The thought of letting him get that close to me knowing what I know now makes my skin crawl.

Just the realization that I slept with a traitor is enough to make me feel dirty and angry and violated and ashamed, but I didn't just sleep with a traitor. I slept with the man who tried to have Jack killed eighteen months ago and then again today, and will likely try again when he realizes his earlier attempt failed. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, afraid that even if Jack comes back alive I will never be able to forgive myself.

I give up trying to rehash that night, rationalizing that it was over six months ago and probably had nothing to do with what's going on today.

I take another minute to get my emotions as in-check as possible, then I go back out to the floor, determined to stay focused and do everything I can to stop the nerve gas and help ensure that Jack gets out of there alive.

Just as I am starting to breathe again, Diane Huxley confronts me.

**"Can I ask you something?"** she says as she approaches.

I smile and try my best to be friendly.

**"Of course,"** I say in as nice of a tone as I can manage.

**"Do you still have feelings for Jack?"** she asks.

I don't know why I am caught off-guard. I should have expected that whatever she wanted to ask had to do with Jack, but I guess I wasn't prepared for her to come out and ask such a personal question.

Internally, I have no doubt as to the answer to her question, but I find myself unable to answer her out loud. It's none of her business anyway, but I feel like at this particular moment I'd have trouble answering no matter who asked.

**"I'm sorry, but that's personal,"** I answer. I try to walk away but she's not ready to end the conversation.

**"I know. But he's been living with my son and me for the last six months. We started to become a family, and I care about him,"** she continues. I am not sure how to respond or even what to think. Then she hits me with the bombshell.

**"Do you know he still loves you?"** she asks.

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. An hour ago, I'd have felt relieved and hopeful, but now, knowing that Jack still cares only adds to my guilt. Would he still feel the same way if he knew what I had done?

Earlier, when I interviewed Diane, she had said something about accepting Jack for who he was, and somehow, even though I knew that she didn't know our history together it felt like she was out to throw salt in the wound of guilt that had afflicted me for the past eighteen months. The fact that she probably had no idea who Jack really was and hadn't seen him do some of the things I'd seen didn't exactly make me feel a lot better. Telling myself that if Jack had to interrogate Derek she'd probably react the same way I did didn't help either.

**"If you don't love him, let him go,"** Diane lectures, hitting a nerve that makes me want to scream. More than that, I want to tell Jack how I really feel, but he is gone, and I don't know if he was ever coming back even if he got out alive.

Suddenly, I can't take it anymore. I have to talk to him. I know it isn't the time or place but I have to hear his voice, have to know if what Diane had said was true. So against my better judgment, I go back into the conference room and copy the number he had scribbled down before he left into my phone. It feels so strange, having to look up his number.

**"Bauer," he answers.**

**"Jack, it's Audrey,"** I say tentatively.

**"What's going on?"** he asks gruffly. The tone in his voice make it clear that he is in his "mission mode" and is expecting me to be calling with a status update or something. Suddenly, I feel silly for calling him and realize I have no idea what I am going to say.

**"What?"** he asks when I don't respond. I wrack my brain trying to figure out how to tell him what I want him to know, what I need him to know.

**"Audrey, what?"** he asks hastily but not quite impatiently.

**"When this is over, are you coming back?"** I manage to spit out.

**"I don't know,"** he replies.

**"Are you going back to Diane?"** I ask. The last thing I intended to do was pepper him with questions or add more pressure to everything he's dealing with but I am scared that I'll never see him again.

**"No,"** he says firmly, but then his voice becomes more uncertain. "I – I – I don't know what I'm doing yet. I haven't had any time to think about it."

_"Of course he hasn't,"_ I chide myself. _"Stop interrogating him and get to the point."_ I ignore my inner voice and continue with the questions.

**"Is it true what she said?"** I find myself asking.

**"What did she say?"** Jack asks.

**"That you still love me,"** I say quietly.

Jack is silent for an agonizing minute as I silently curse myself for asking.

To be honest, I'm not even sure how I want him to answer. When Diane told me what he said, it exacerbated my guilt, and I know that if Jack confirms it I'll feel even worse. But at the same time I can't stand the thought that he may have moved on when I still think about him, still miss him, still dream about him constantly.

Finally, he takes a deep breath and speaks in a low voice.

**"I never stopped loving you,"** he admits. **"Not for one second."**

As soon as he says it I know that I feel relieved. As guilty as I feel about everything I realize how much worse it would be if he said no. I want so badly to be able to pour out my heart and tell him that I never stopped loving him either, but somehow I can't seem to get the words out.

**"Then don't go away again, Jack, please,"** I find myself begging, silently praying for him to come back so that I'll have another chance to tell him everything I need to tell him.

**"It's more complicated than that,"** he says.

**"I know,"** I reply, struggling not to cry.

**"It's time. I've gotta go,"** he says, and the knot returns to my stomach. I realize that if I let him hang up without telling him how I feel I may never get the chance.

**"Jack..."** I begin, steeling myself to say it, but he cuts me off before I get the chance.

**"I have to go,"** he repeats, more forcefully this time. His tone makes me completely lose my nerve, and I start stammering like an idiot.

**"Okay. Okay, I know, bye."** I say quickly, and hang up the phone.

I sit there for another minute, cursing myself both for calling him at such a bad time and for not having the courage to say what I wanted to say. I wipe my eyes and struggle to get it together, trying as hard as I can to get my mind back on the task at hand.

**"Mr. Buchanan, I've got Jack Bauer on line three,"** an operator says twenty minutes later. I don't think I've ever been so relieved in my life, not even when Jack rescued my father and me from the terrorists eighteen months ago.

Jack gets on the line and tells us where the canisters are. I somehow manage to process the information and offer to call CVP. I don't say anything to Jack, but in spite of everything going on, hearing his voice makes me feel a thousand times better. From this point forward, I vow to stay focused. I don't know when or if Jack is coming back here, or how he'd react if he knew about that night last April, or whether I'll ever get a chance to tell him how I feel. But I know that he's okay, and for right now, that's going to have to be enough.


	2. Chapter 2

So I had originally planned this as a one-shot, but I decided it would make sense to continue it hours later, after Day 5 is over, to show how Audrey continues to struggle with her guilt and how she and Jack talk about it and deal with it. This is predicated on the assumption that they both get through this day alive and are able to go back to Audrey's hotel room together, which probably won't happen but that's what I want to happen so that's how it goes for this fanfic.

This part's okay for anyone who has seen 9 PM but the next part may contain spoilers beyond that...I'll let you know.

This chapter's pretty short but the next one will be longer. It starts out with Audrey having a nightmare, and if you go to 24fanfictiondotcom/audio/audreysdreamdotmp3, you can actually hear the nightmare.

* * *

_"David Palmer was murdered because he was about to expose Walt Cummings' connection to the terrorists. When Cummings failed to frame me for Palmer's murder, he tried to kill me...he tried to kill me...he tried to kill me."_

Jack's words keep echoing in my head. _"You shared a same room with him. You slept with him!"_ I hear him shout.

Suddenly, I feel like I'm choking. The next thing I know, I am strapped to a table with an IV in my arm, feeling shocks of pain go through my body as Agent Burke injects another shot of some chemical into me. _"You're bringing this on yourself,"_ Burke reminds me as I plead for mercy. _"You shared a room with him. You slept with him!"_ I hear Jack yell again.

"NO! STOP IT!" I yell, unable to take anymore.

The next thing I know, someone is shaking me gently.

"Audrey, wake up,"

I hear Jack whisper softly. I open my eyes and see him laying right next to me, looking into my eyes reassuringly. He gently strokes my hair and grips my arm firmly.

"Shh...it's okay. I'm here. Nobody's going to hurt you, I promise," he says reassuringly.

I look at him questioningly for a minute, needing a few moments to process my surroundings.

"It was just a bad dream. It's all over, I promise you it's all over."

I look around at the hotel room and realize he is right, but something is still bothering me. Something is preventing me from being able to let my guard down, and as he pulls me closer to him and kisses the side of my face, I realize what it is.

Jack is looking at me lovingly and reassuringly but all I can see is the hurt and anger and disgust he had on his face when I admitted that I slept with Walt Cummings. I feel trapped in his arms as the nightmare continues to reverberate in my head.

The room suddenly feels like it's 100 degrees, and I feel like I am going to be sick.

I jump up and run into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I can hear Jack calling me but I don't respond. I start gagging, and I try desperately not to throw up, knowing that's the last thing I need in my weakened condition.

Jack knocks tentatively on the door. "Audrey, are you okay?" I hear him ask.

"I'm...I'm fine," I manage to stammer. "I'm just feeling a little nauseous...go back to sleep."

I knew he wasn't going to buy it. I was screaming from a nightmare a minute ago, and I know my voice makes it obvious that I'm not feeling well. I start gagging again as Jack manages to pick the lock and runs inside.

He kneels down beside me and tilts my head back, pushing my hair out of my face as he holds a bottle of water to my lips. I try to resist but lack the strength, so I give up and let him pull my head back against his knees as I take a sip of water.

He holds the bottle and guides my head until I manage to stop gagging. We just sit there like that for a few minutes. Jack doesn't ask what's wrong - he knows that I'll tell him when I'm ready. He just holds me and strokes my hair, which feels comforting for a minute, but then I remember why I came in here in the first place, and suddenly his gentle touch becomes unbearable as the guilt rushes back.

"Jack, how can you be like this?", I blurt out finally, unable to stand anymore.

"Like what?" he asks.

"So caring, and so forgiving?"

"What is there to forgive?" he asks, looking bewildered.

"I slept with someone who tried to have you killed. How can you forgive me for that?" I ask, looking away as tears start streaming down my cheeks, too ashamed to look him in the eye.


	3. Chapter 3

_Here's part 3. This part is from Jack's POV. Reviews appreciated, as always._

I'm not sure what I'm expecting her to say, but her answer takes me by surprise.

As crazy as it probably sounds, my initial reaction is relief. I'm so scared that she'll be afraid of me because of how tough I had to be when I interrogated her, and when she flinched at my touch and ran into the bathroom, I thought she was having a nightmare about me hurting her.

Suddenly, I realize I never told her about Nina. I mean, I told her about Nina, but I never told her that I was involved with Nina when Teri and I were separated. I feel a lump in my stomach as the feelings of guilt and shame and disgust with myself come back to me. I remember how tainted and dirty I felt, how it took me forever before I felt comfortable getting close to anyone again.

I never thought about it this way before, but I guess in a way I got off easy - I never had to face Teri after she found out about me and Nina. I find myself trying to imagine what would have happened if I had gotten back in time, and I realize that I don't know how I could have possibly looked Teri in the eye.

I look at Audrey again and my heart goes out to her. This would be hard for anyone, but I know it's especially hard for Audrey because she's been used before. Before she was married, when she worked as a legislative assistant for the House Armed Services Committee, she got involved with a lobbyist for a defense contractor. She said she knew at the time that it could create the appearance of a conflict of interest, but there was nothing illegal about it, and she really cared about him. She thought he felt the same way, until she found out he was using her to embarrass her father by leaking details of their relationship to the media while simultaneously making large contributions to his reelection campaign. I don't remember all the details, but I know it was part of a larger fundraising scandal that had something to do with foreign nationals.

I'm 95 sure that neither she nor her father knowingly did anything wrong but I guess the guy did a pretty good job of making people think otherwise. She had to testify before the House Ethics Committee about her private life and undergo an investigation of her finances and a whole host of other personal information. Her father decided not to run for reelection later that year, and while he always denied that what happened with Audrey had anything to do with it, I know that she still blames herself for bringing down his Congressional career. I remember how she got tears in her eyes when she recalled how for most of the ordeal her father couldn't even look her in the eye.

She was eventually cleared of any wrongdoing, but the fiasco tore her apart. It made her afraid to trust anyone, and whenever she met someone after that she always wondered if they had a hidden agenda. I think that may have even had something to do with why she entered into a marriage that she had misgivings about even from the get-go. The first time we slept together, she kind of freaked out afterwards. With a little coaxing she told me about the whole ordeal, and she admitted that it had become instinctive for her to wonder if I was just using her too. I eventually convinced her that if I was trying to get on her father's good side I wouldn't piss him off at least once a week by questioning his decisions or challenging DOD procedures that were overly bureaucratic and got in the way of doing our jobs effectively. We agreed to take a step back and take things a little slower, and we waited a little over a month before we made love again. Looking back, I realize that I needed that as much as she did. I think knowing that we were both struggling to open up again for different reasons made it a little easier to let my guard down.

For some reason I'm not sure what to do. I want to hold her but I know I should give her her space. I realize how hard it is for her to look me in the eye right now, and I don't want to push her. So I leave her sitting with her head perched against my knees and reach out tentatively to touch her shoulder.

"Audrey, there's nothing to forgive," I whisper. "You made a mistake. Nobody got hurt because of it, and besides, he may have tried to kill me, but he didn't succeed. Don't you think you're being a little too hard on yourself?"

She shakes her head.

"Did you know that Cummings tried to have me killed?" I ask, though it's more of a rhetorical question than anything. She shakes her head, which is still buried in her hands.

"Did you have any idea what he was up to?"

"No, of course not," she answers.

"Did you even know I was still alive until yesterday morning?"

She shakes her head again.

"Then there's nothing to forgive," I insist. "Come here."

I try to pull her close but she resists.

"Audrey, please. You don't have to look at me until you're ready but I just want to hold you. Come here," I say again, and this time she lets me pull her toward me, so that her back is propped up against my chest and my arms are wrapped around her stomach. I gently stroke her cheek and kiss the back of her head, feeling her slowly start to relax a little and start to accept my gestures.

"Sweetie, listen to me. I want you to know that I don't think any less of you because of this, okay?" She nods slightly, turning around quickly to steal a glance, as if to check that I really mean that. I cup her chin gently to keep her looking at me. "I know that you don't sleep around, and that you're wondering if other people think that."

"I know that probably seems really petty in light of everything," she says, blushing a little.

"No, it doesn't," I say firmly. "It sounds very you, and very human. I know you've had your reputation damaged before and are afraid of it happening again but it won't, because anyone who knows you knows that you have high moral values and that you would never do anything deliberately to hurt anyone. I know that you're a beautiful person, on the inside and out. Yesterday morning, when you found out I was alive, you had every right to react the way my daughter did but you didn't." I feel my throat beginning to get choked up. "The only that got me through the day...the only reason I felt the will to even try to stay alive...was knowing you were there for me. You were so brave, and so selfless, and I am so proud of you. And I know that when we go visit your father tomorrow and we tell him everything you've accomplished he's going to be as proud of you as I am," I add, knowing that she's probably almost as worried about what he's going to think. "As far as I'm concerned, you don't need to say anything else or explain anything else or apologize for anything," I say firmly.

I take a deep breath before continuing. I realize that as hard as it is to talk about it, I have to tell her about what happened with Nina, because I know how much she's suffering, and if there's a chance that I can make her feel better by telling her I made the same mistake she made then I have to do it, even if it's something I've worked hard to put behind me and would rather not rehash.

"But I know how hard this must be for you, and I can help, because I made the same mistake you did, and I know exactly what you're going through," I manage to spit out. Now it's my turn to hang my head in shame as she looks at me questioningly.

"I told you about the woman who killed my wife, right?" I begin slowly. She nods. "Yeah, Nina, right?"

"Yeah. I told you about her, but I don't think I ever told you that I got involved with her while Teri and I were separated."

I pause for a minute, waiting for her reaction. As crazy as it is I find myself worrying about her thinking less of me, just as she had feared when she lied to me about Walt Cummings when I had to interrogate her. I guess she can tell how I'm feeling, because she takes my hand and grips it reassuringly, giving me the strength to continue. "After Teri died, in addition to all the grief I felt, I remember the burning feeling of shame that haunted me for a long time. I think that's part of why it was so long before I could get close to anyone again...I felt so ashamed and violated and tainted that it was hard for me to be intimate with anyone for a really long time. When I was with Kate she complained that I couldn't look her in the eye. Looking back, I realize how cheap that must have made her feel, but somehow I could never bring myself to explain that it wasn't her I was ashamed of, that I was too ashamed of myself to keep my eyes open. You're the only woman I was ever able to really get close to after Teri died, and to be honest I'm not sure why, but somehow with you it felt okay...I didn't feel the same kind of burning shame anymore. Maybe it was the way you used to look at me, or the fact that after you got so upset the first time I could tell that you were as scared of opening up as I was and somehow that took some of the pressure off. To be honest, if you hadn't freaked out after the first time we slept together I think there's a very good chance I might have."

When I say that she chuckles a little in spite of herself. I take that as a cue that it's okay to get a little closer, so I gently wipe the tears from her eyes and kiss her cheek. She manages a small smile, but then starts to get choked up again. She doesn't resist when I pull her a little closer and start stroking her arm.

"I just feel so dirty," she admits after a minute. "The thought of him touching my skin, of letting him see me so exposed and get so close to me..." her voice trails off. I guess she feels my body tighten a little as I struggle to refrain from clenching my fists. I certainly don't blame her for sleeping with someone else while I was gone...how can I, when I made her believe I was dead? But somehow it's still hard to take. "I'm sorry, Jack," she says softly, looking away again. "That's probably more than you needed to hear."

"Go on, it's okay," I whisper. It may be hard to listen to her talk about this but she'll feel better if she gets it off her chest, and right now that's all I care about.

"The thought of all that is making my skin crawl and it's making me nauseous and I can't seem to get it out of my head."

"I know, sweetie," I reply, tightening my arms around her. "I couldn't get it out of my head either, and it took me a long time to even feel comfortable in my own skin again."

"So how did you?" she asks, looking at me with wide eyes, seeming somewhat reassured by what I've told her.

I take a deep breath before answering. "I don't really know. When I had to go to rehab, they made me talk to a shrink, and as much as I didn't want to admit it at the time I think it helped some. Plus, I eventually was able to see that as obvious as it seemed in hindsight it's unlikely that I could have figured out what she was up to beforehand...she made sure of that. And I wasn't the only one who fell for it...Tony..."

I stop speaking abruptly as realization starts to sink in. I don't want to think about Tony, not now. I don't want to think about the fact that if it wasn't for me, he and Michelle would still be alive and happy and together. I don't want to think about the fact that if I hadn't tried to talk him out of killing Henderson, he probably wouldn't have hesitated, and not only would Tony still be alive, but everything Audrey's suffered in the past 24 hours wouldn't have happened. I don't want to think about the fact that if I'd only gotten there a minute earlier I might have been able to save him. I don't want to think about how he probably would have resented me if I had managed to revive him. I don't want to remember how angry I was at him for giving up, or how much I empathized with him when Audrey was bleeding and I was afraid she wasn't going to make it.

I don't want to think about any of that right now, but I can't seem to push it out of my head. I could do that earlier, when we still had a threat to confront and I didn't have time to dwell, but now I'm finding it a lot harder. Audrey senses my anguish, and she tentatively takes my hand, seeming unsure whether to try to offer comfort or give me my space. I grip her hand tightly and cling to her for a minute as I struggle to control my emotions.

"I'm sorry. Just give me a minute," I manage, struggling not to get choked up. She places a reassuring hand on my arm and just sits there for a minute while I get my emotions in check.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks gently.

I shake my head. "Not right now," I answer. "I want to finish answering your question." She nods and squeezes my hand as I continue.

"When I worked with the shrink, she eventually convinced me that Teri would have forgiven me, and that she wouldn't have wanted me to spend the rest of my life punishing myself. But I'm here, and I'm telling you right now that I don't want you to feel any more guilt about this, okay? I don't want you to feel like you betrayed me because I don't see it that way. I don't want you to feel tainted or ashamed or think that you're somehow damaged goods because in my eyes you're as beautiful and innocent as you always were, okay?"

She ponders what I say for a minute, then nods slowly, turning around and looking deep into my eyes.

"Thank you," she says sincerely.

"For what?" I ask gently.

"For sharing all that with me. I know it wasn't easy to talk about it, and it means a lot to me that you were willing to to make me feel better."

"Are you feeling any better?" I ask.

She nods and manages a small smile. I wipe the tears from her eyes, then lean in and kiss her softly on the lips.

I look at her again and decide to try my hand at a little humor, hoping that whether it's funny or not it'll cheer her up a little.

"I'm glad," I say, "because I was afraid it would make you feel even worse, knowing that in addition to sleeping with someone who betrayed this country, youâ€™ve also slept with someone who slept with someone who betrayed this country."

She looks bewildered for a minute, then chuckles as she figures it out.

I can tell she is feeling a little better as I lean in and wipe the tears from her eyes, but I am totally unprepared for what she says next.

"I have no desire to do the former ever again," she says, a sly smile creeping up along her mouth, "but the latter I'm kind of eager to try again."

I smile and lean in and kiss her softly.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," she says. The next thing I know, she places her hand on my cheek and gives me that look.

"Now?" I ask, a little flabbergasted.

She nods shyly. I study her face for a minute, and I can tell she is serious.

"Sweetheart, I don't want to rush into anything. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Jack, I...I really missed you," she says awkwardly, seeming a little embarrassed. "I want to be with you again. Unless you're not ready...I mean, I'll understand if you want to wait..."

"If you're ready, I'm ready," I reply. I'm nervous as hell but I want to do this as much as she does. I'm not going to deny that my body has been hungry for her ever since I helped her get changed and had to struggle to behave myself so as not to make her uncomfortable or appear to be taking advantage of her injured condition. But I think there's a part of me that also hopes that maybe this is what she needs. Maybe if I can make love to her and prove to her that I'm not ashamed of her she'll stop feeling so ashamed of herself.

"I'm ready," she says with a smile.

"Are you sure?" I whisper softly.

She nods more decisively this time and looks me in the eye.

"Yes," she says softly but firmly.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. Chapter 4

I lean forward and kiss the side of her face, then adjust my angle so that I can pick her up. She wraps her good arm around my neck as I scoop her up like a baby, holding one hand under her knees and the other supporting her upper body.

As I carry her back to bed I feel myself overcome with a longing, a hunger, a need. When we were together before, there were times when I just couldn't keep my hands off her, but this is different. It's deeper, and a lot more emotional.

When I first disappeared, there were nights when I literally cried myself to sleep because I missed her so much. The hardest part was knowing that even if by some miracle I got to see her again I wasn't sure she'd even want to. I started to wonder if she'd ever even known the real me before that day, and I realized that I had never given her the chance. I had shielded my aggressive side, the side of me that acts on my gut and doesn't care about the consequences, because until that day eighteen months ago I thought it was something I could change.

I don't blame her for not liking what she saw. I think just about anyone would have been scared away if they'd seen everything she had to see me do that day. I didn't expect that anyone could ever love me after seeing that side of me.

When I first saw her this morning I felt uneasy. I didn't know how she felt and I don't think she even really knew. I found myself wondering how she would feel about me if I hadn't had to disappear and make her think I was dead. But I look into her eyes now and I know that she knows who I am, and somehow she still loves me in spite of everything I've done.

I gently lay her down on the bed, then climb onto the bed next to her. I turn onto my side facing her, taking a moment to smile at her and brush a few stray hairs out of the way before I lean in to kiss her. She wraps her arm around my neck and deepens the kiss, and we continue like that for several minutes, just taking each other in. I feel her heart start to beat unusually fast, and she seems out of breath. "Are you sure you're up for this?" I ask gently. She lost a lot of blood earlier and I don't want her to exert herself more than necessary.

"Yeah, I'm okay," she says with a smile. "Alright," I agree, "but I want you to promise me that the second you feel the least bit hesitant or uncomfortable physically or emotionally you'll let me know and we'll stop."

"Okay, I promise," she says with a smile. My hands tremble as I slowly reach for the bottom of her shirt. I look into her eyes questioningly, and she nods and puts her arms in the air and sits up a little to help me take it off. She tugs at the bottom of my shirt, which I quickly toss aside before laying back down next to her. I trail my lips down her upper body, teasing her by dipping my tongue just below her pant line, making her moan. I start to circle her breasts with my tongue, prompting an audible groan.

"How's this feel?" I ask, wanting to make sure it was a pleasure groan and not a reaction to me hurting her arm by mistake.

"Mmmm...so good," she moans. She closes her eyes and sighs contentedly as I continue, running her hand up and down my back.

"Jack," she whispers a minute later, placing her hand on my chest and feeling my heart rush. She turns so that she is leaning into me and we are facing each other on our sides. I smile and start stroking her hair and her lower back as she begins to peruse my chest with her mouth. A couple of times, I notice her placing her hand over my heart, needing to confirm that I'm really here and alive.

"I'm still here, I promise," I whisper reassuringly. She smiles and blushes a little.

A minute later she gets a mischievous twinkle in her eye, and I can tell she's about to torture me. Sure enough, she pushes me gently so that I am laying flat on my back, then reaches down and starts stroking my inner thighs, brushing her fingers over my clothed shaft lightly enough to look like an accident if I didn't know better. Meanwhile, she continues to explore my chest with her mouth, using her tongue in all the right places, the places she knows make me tingle. Feeling her hot breath against my skin is intoxicating. It's pretty amazing how after all this time she still remembers exactly how to make me crazy.

"Audrey," I hear myself moan, struggling to control my desire. As badly as I want her I don't want to rush this. When she hears me groan she reaches as far as she can with her injured arm and tugs at the elastic on my boxers. I stand up and take them off, then kneel on the bed and slowly help her remove the rest of her clothes.

I lean back and admire her for a minute, inhaling deeply at the sight.

"G-d, you're beautiful," I whisper. I didn't think she could possibly be as beautiful as I remembered but I was dead wrong.

Now I'm the one who needs reassurance. I need to touch her, feel her, taste her, hear her softly moan my name so I know this isn't some dream that I'm not going to want to wake up from.

I start running my hands up and down the length of her body, gingerly at first and then more firmly, careful not to put any pressure on her bad arm. I kiss her softly, then my lips work their way down her body, trailing up and down the inner part of each leg. I kneel down on the floor in front of the bed and gently push her legs apart. She gasps in anticipation when I lean down and plant a soft kiss between her lower lips.

She closes her eyes and leans back, moaning with pleasure as I begin to taste her.

"Oh g-d...that feels...so good," she manages to stutter. I reach up to take her hand, which she squeezes hard as I continue. I briefly glance up and see her laying back with her eyes closed, taking slow but heavy breaths and sighing contentedly. She looks so peaceful, so content. It feels so good to be able to make her this happy after everything I've put her through.

I continue at a slow, steady pace, wanting her to enjoy this for as long as possible. Eventually, her breath becomes ragged and I increase my pace until I feel her start to shake.

"Jack!" she gasps. I slowly lift my head up and jump back up onto the bed. She sits up and climbs into my lap facing me. We start kissing frantically, the heat between us becoming unbearable. After a minute I can't take it anymore. I have to have her.

I have to think for a minute about how I want to do this. I need to find a position that's comfortable for her and gives us the contact we both need without putting any pressure on her arm. I want her to be on top so she can control the pace but I don't want her to overexert herself.

At this point I'm literally throbbing for her, and it takes all of me not to lower her onto the bed and take her as fast as I can. But she's so fragile physically and emotionally right now, and I'm determined to make love to her as slowly and tenderly as humanly possible. She starts to climb off me so she can lay down and I can crawl on top of her, but I hold her in place on my lap. "Let's try it like this, okay?" I whisper. She nods and wraps her arms around me, repositioning her legs to give her more leverage.

"You ready?" I ask.

"Yes," she says softly but firmly.

"Come here," I whisper, pulling her close as I slowly ease myself inside her. She takes a deep breath and holds still for a minute, sensing that we both need a minute to take in the feeling of being connected. I look deep into her eyes, silently telling her how much I love her. After a minute she looks at me for confirmation. "Go on," I say softly.

"Nice and slow, baby," I whisper as she begins to move. "Just take it nice and slow." She nods and begins to slowly rock up and down. I slide my tongue into her mouth, kissing her hungrily as I savor the feeling of her body moving against mine. After a few minutes I move my lips to the nape of her neck and start sucking gently on her skin, slowly working my way down. She groans loudly when my lips reach her upper chest. I know how much she likes feeling my mouth on her skin while we make love, so I alternate between sucking on her breasts and sliding my tongue across them, eliciting a series of gasps and moans.

When I feel her start to get close I lift my head up and cup her chin with my hand. "Open your eyes," I whisper. I want to look into her eyes as we do this so I can show her how much I love her. I want her to see that I'm not ashamed of her or disgusted with her, to prove to her that nothing she did while I was gone could possibly change the way I feel about her.

She opens her eyes and lets me stare deep into them as we both let go, the prolonged build-up resulting in an explosive climax.

"I love you...so much," she gasps as I collapse backward onto the bed and pull her down on top of me. For some reason her words catch me off guard. It's not the first time she's said it...we said it to each other before we went to sleep...but it's the first time either of us has said it like this, in this context.

I remember the last night we spent together before I had to disappear, right here in this same hotel. For some reason, that night I found myself wanting to say "I love you" to her. We had never said it before, but that night I had to bite my tongue from yelling it out every time we made love. I knew I loved her...I guess I had known it for quite some time by that point, but I wasn't ready to tell her or even to admit it to myself.

The next morning we had taken a partial step when she admitted that she was falling in love with me. For some reason I reacted funny, even though I knew that I wasn't just falling in love with her - I had fallen in love, and fallen hard.

In hindsight, I realize that I may have known by that point that I loved her, but I don't think I realized just how strongly I felt until a few hours later, when I was faced with the very real prospect of losing her. I distinctly remember standing on the side of the freeway listening to a conversation between two of the men involved in the abduction. The man I was trying to follow asked the man on site if he had killed Audrey yet, and I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating for a few moments while I waited for his answer. I guess it was at that moment that I realized just how hard I had fallen for her, and how devastated I would be if I couldn't get there in time to prevent her from being killed. Instead of returning to a normal rate like it's supposed to, my heart starts beating even faster when I recall that moment.

Suddenly, I start wondering if this is a good idea. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing after tonight. I don't have a job, a place to live, or even a real identity yet. There's so much that Audrey and I need to talk about and maybe we shouldn't have rushed to do this so fast. My heart continues racing, which does not go unnoticed on Audrey.

"Are you okay?" she asks, interrupting my train of thought.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I reassure her. I look into her eyes and suddenly the anxiety subsides. We may have a lot to talk about but she looks so happy right now, and somehow that's enough to make all my concerns seem irrelevant. "I was just thinking about how nice it sounded to hear you say that. You know, because we've never...I mean we've said it before, but not..." Why am I getting so tongue tied? Luckily Audrey kisses me to shut me up before I can continue babbling like an idiot. I wrap my arm around her and kiss her back, and as we continue to kiss I start feeling a lot better.

"You know, there's only one problem," I say with a hint of mischief in my voice when we come up for air.

"Oh yeah? What's that?" she asks, perching her head on her hand expectantly.

"Now I'm kind of eager to try saying it."

She grins. "Well, I'm kind of eager to hear how it sounds," she responds, a mischievous twinkle forming in her eye.

"You sure you have the energy?" I ask. "Yeah, I'll manage," she says with a smile. She nuzzles her head against my chest and starts working her way down. I quickly become lost in her, savoring her every touch. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but right now I don't care. We have almost 15 hours before either of us has to go anywhere, and I'm going to treasure every second of that time, because as unbelievable as it seems Audrey's here with me, and somehow in spite of everything she loves me as much as I love her, and for right now that's all that matters.


End file.
